Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Dear Exercise Nuts

Hold on to your barbells. I have news for you. This expose is going to rock the diet world and every exercising person who’s breathing in through their nose and out through their guppy posed lips. It’s more important than my first study, where I proved that daily consumption of any type of Pasta with Sara Lee pound cake for desert is healthier than Vitamin C and penicillin combined.

Don’t get me wrong. I, too, naively thought dieting and workouts were essential to attractiveness. I even felt successful as I jogged when I thought I heard applause while running until I realized it was just my thighs clapping together. That troubled me until today, when the final tests from my own lab report. The study showed that flabbiness is a sign of extreme intelligence. Did you hear? EXTREME INTELLIGENCE!!!

And this is the most astounding part. The report

concluded that having cellulite indicated incredible sensuality! Yes! The more cellulite, the more sexual was that individual. Pity the Playboy Bunnies and Sport’s Illustrated swimsuit cover gals promising dreams that will only disappoint.

Please forget the insanity. Use your 90 minutes to check out a great restaurant.

Who knows? There is a possibility that the Pillsbury Doughboy may finally met his match…me!
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