Tuesday, February 5, 2013

QUESTION: Marriage or Jail? ANSWER: I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

(Don’t be a louse to your spouse)!

A recent news clip stated Londoners ask for divorce for the flimsiest of reasons. A woman sued her husband as he insisted that she dress in Klingon costumes and speak in that language particularly during romantic interludes. I mean really, doesn’t everyone?

Another said his wife maliciously served him Tuna, his least favorite meal and he wanted out. As a 20-year-old bride and novice cook I recall preparing my first Tuna salad. Since lemon was part of the ingredients and I did not have any lemons, I added lemon extract; lots of it. But that made it too tart. So I added sugar. That made it too sweet. So I added vinegar. When he arrived home I told my darling husband I wasn’t sure it was very good.

His last words to me before his lips congealed in the form of a guppy’s, were...

“My sweet darling, don’t be silly. What could you possibly do to Tuna Fish?”

Ultimately his mouth de puckered and since love will override most calamities even seafood slip-ups, in a short time we had three children leading to several grandchildren. Julia Child may have had an earlier learning curve. Not that I compare myself to Julia in any way except maybe in looks, but I ultimately did become a gourmet cook with fresh lemons in my repertoire, though now since I frequently cook for one, I often invite Trader Joe and we delightfully and deliciously defrost together. 

Every marriage has its problems. One man cut off his wife’s tongue after celebrating 43 years together. I didn’t like that. I am totally against violence of any kind except, obviously, if someone takes your parking space during a Nordstrom’s sale. He explained to the judge that her constant nagging throughout the years drove him to this and he said, “Enough is enough!” I actually think nagging is a wonderful way to give information as all the greatest Philosophers did the very same thing. But this biased judge, threw this guy a kiss, gave thumbs up since he was also married many years so he simply placed the man on 3 years probation and suggested they meet at the pub to “discuss” aspects of the case.

The fact is the more love there is in the partnership the more passions run high so occasional fury may arise as well. Indeed, even Woody Allen said his parents exchanged gunfire on a daily basis though I doubt that it affected him in any way.

The truth is when you love deeply any human mistake takes on exaggerated significance. So when he inadvertently takes your car keys on the very day of one of your most important book signings and you accidentally burn all his underwear lying on his side of the bed and sparks unfortunately torch his new Cordoba shoes as well, perhaps a chat is in order since I truly do not believe that cutting off a tongue or anything else, enhances a marriage.
Then again, I do not live in London, yet.

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