Saturday, January 5, 2013

ODE TO A SNEEZE. THE BENEFIT TO CATCHING COLDS


REQUESTED RE-RUN FOR A ANOTHER FLU SEASON

Flu season is here. Bathe in Purell. Do not kiss anyone unless it is Tonto in a mask. Wear fashionable gloves day and night. Unless you are on your honeymoon and staying in your room 24/7, postpone hugging.
While every possible precaution must be taken to avoid this dangerous virus, I encourage you to catch a cold. Yes, my friends, the common cold-why it is called the common cold is beyond me as a Duke and a Duchess have been caught in its clutches- is the very best thing that can happen to you. It benefits your body, which is crying out for love.
Grownups rarely cry. Sure, when they lose at golf or a caterer runs out of cake tears flow, but even then it’s not too often. It’s too bad.
The truth is, a cold gives one an opportunity to revert to a childish state: to be pampered and cared for. It permits the strongest people to let go without tarnishing their reputation.
Here are a few documented medical examples:
Ode to a Sneeze: The Benefits of Catching a Cold
One man literally strikes fear wherever he journeys. He is a tyrant and a huge troublemaker. Yet when he is at home with a bad cold he sucks his thumb and calls his wife “Mommy.”
An actress who played the warden in prison films permits her mate 24 hours to be sick, prepares chicken soup and allows him to moan “I'm dying, I'm dying” every hour on the hour while she rocks him in her mattress size arms. The next day, she makes the bed and pushes him out the door. This treasured one day keeps him functioning for the rest of the year. He is often seen without a jacket on wintry days, stepping in puddles and sleeping with a wet head stuck out an open window praying for a relapse.

Historical Fact:
The reason some battles are called “Cold Wars” is because the need for love was not met. It might have been avoided if opposing sides could stay home and get a little cuddling. And really, who feels like fighting with a runny nose?

My Advice:
If someone sneezes don't just say “Gesundheit.” Understand that this person craves compassion. Be gentle, but no kissing. Unless you yourself feel needy, in which case, place a lip-lock.

Rx:
When you do catch a cold, get into a cuddly bed and collapse. You can drink liquids or not. It doesn't matter whether you stand on your head singing the Kardashian National Anthem, your cold will last two to seven days or as long as you need it. That’s it.
Call me in the morning and leave your insurance information.

P.S. If you happen to have an extra Kleenex coupon, send it. And cough drops! And a lover!
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Wednesday, January 2, 2013

WHY I CAN'T BUCKLE MY BELT!

PLEASE! NO MORE HOLIDAYS.  


Inside me lives a skinny gal trying to get out. Usually I shut her up with a bowl of spaghetti or a chunk chocolate. Sometimes I don’t eat it but have to stuff my ears instead because she sure makes a lot of noise!


Let’s face it: I have never, ever met a bowl of pasta I did not like. And I am very friendly to many other foods.
It is my nature to be accommodating. But I must declare that these weeks of celebrations and special occasions are doing me in.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

5 Parties

4 Restaurants

3 Brunches  
2 Open Houses

And...


1 Spectacular  (and yummy) Wedding.

Please, no more food or toasts or "taste this as I made it especially for you!"

In the past my philosophy has always been that life is fragile so eat dessert first. I just never thought I would live this long.

Remember when I mentioned oh so many times that I thought I heard applause as I was jogging and it turned out to be my thighs hitting together? Well, now it is more like an auditorium of screaming rock aficionados giving a standing ovation to my jiggles and hanging participles’.

Please, do not invite me to one more celebration. I cannot eat another thing till...till...dinner time.

On the other hand I just read this very day (January 2, 2013) in the New York Times that being overweight is not bad. They claim that the Body Mass Index (BMI) may not be an accurate measure of health. WHEW!

Oh, well...I am truly not worried.

I do not want to brag and certainly, you should not compare yourself to me, but... I can still fit into my earrings from high school, so there.
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