Monday, October 15, 2012

Yes, I Shot my Scale, But I Shot it in Self Defense, Sheriff.


It is that time of year when I say fat, fat go way; appear instead on Doris Day (nee Goldenburger). I do not want to sue for libel, but my lying scale which continually hides when it sees me- yes it has bullet holes but they were blanks- has conspired with my mirror to distort my adorable body and smooth skinned face.

Another year another ton more or less and I start my usual fitness starving activities. Last year I was encouraged while jogging. I thought I heard applause. It turned out to be my thighs hitting together. Neighbors paid me to scram because the plopping sound registered 9 on their Richter scale. It was just a few dollars plus the threat of bodily harm but it was the first time I turned flab into dollars. Now, when I am low on cash and living beyond my seams, I may run in more expensive neighborhoods.
Fitness experts advise us to set a goal in our mind. I visualize a couch or a hammock or anything I can fit my butt on. Past exercises consisted of jumping to conclusions and wrestling with my conscious. Still, I stayed the same weight
Here are diet tips that turned me into a tall thin blonde. Wait, that’s someone else. Oh, I really must go to Dr. Goldman at Laguna Eye Care!  
A) Eat as much spaghetti as you want within two minutes with 1 chopstick-standing on your head, of course.
B) Enjoy unlimited Double Fudge Chocolate Triple Decker Pecan Pie any week a politician or athlete does not cheat on his wife or mistresses.
CAUTION: Do not get too thin.
REMEMBER: Mirrors (who are in cahoots with scales) notoriously lie. You/we are beautiful and incredibly huggable.
MORE IMPORTANTLY: Consider our country; help improve the economy. Do not diet. If you do, you will put waiters, food suppliers, farmers and poor little chickens out of business. Eating is good. So, let’s meet at my favorite hangout. If only they hadn't named it the ELEPHANT Bar®.
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