Yes, I Shot my Scale, But I Shot it in Self Defense, Sheriff.
It is that time of year when I say fat, fat go way; appear instead on Doris Day (nee Goldenburger). I do not want to sue for libel, but my lying scale which continually hides when it sees me- yes it has bullet holes but they were blanks- has conspired with my mirror to distort my adorable body and smooth skinned face.
Fitness experts advise us to set a goal in our mind. I visualize a couch or a hammock or anything I can fit my butt on. Past exercises consisted of jumping to conclusions and wrestling with my conscious. Still, I stayed the same weight
REMEMBER: Mirrors (who are in cahoots with scales) notoriously lie. You/we are beautiful and incredibly huggable.
MORE IMPORTANTLY: Consider our country; help improve the economy. Do not diet. If you do, you will put waiters, food suppliers, farmers and poor little chickens out of business. Eating is good. So, let’s meet at my favorite hangout. If only they hadn't named it the ELEPHANT Bar®.