Sunday, October 21, 2012

SEX AND THE SINGLE SENIOR: Where Boomers find Romance

Love is in the air. So tell me; have you been looking for #love in the wrong places?

Fear not. Help is on the way for I know the secret. For those not currently in a #Hugging relationship, allow me to provide facts as to where love connections connect. The most popular meeting ground: Moulton’s Pharmacy, CVS Pharmacy, RiteAid, Rite Price, Right On Babe, Walgreens and all pharmacies local and otherwise.

I overheard one man saying to a woman while gazing soulfully into her shopping cart: “Gas and Heartburn Pills? Gee Whiz, Me too!" Burping, they frolicked to the cashier.

Another: “Hey babe; wanna soak your dentures in my Schmuckers® Jelly Glass?"

Be cautious, though. There is danger lurking in these drug stores. I was almost run down in the parking lot when a throng of #stalkers on #walkers ran after a fellow with those little blue pills. Okay, I was running, too! Through our cataract eyes and gray hair, others remarked that we looked like dancing Q-tips.

I actually prefer Internet Dating compared to my other pastime which was singing “Love for Sale,” at malls, with rouged cheeks and wearing my Anna Lucasta off-the-wrinkled shoulder gown. Since I became, um, a Senior Lady, now guys want me to pay them and give them an appliance as well.

Surfing the web is cheaper. I have met many interesting but sometimes unsuitable characters online.

My first responder was from “Schlemiels on Wheels*.” He arrived on skates. I had to grab on to the back of his jacket as we whizzed down the boulevard for the early bird special.

Of all the stupid expressions, why Early Bird? The Early Bird catches the Worm specifically. That would not motivate me to get any place early, particularly a place that serves food. But I digress.

My next computer catch was a #Dermatologist. He wrote that famous book, "7 Solutions for Highly Itchy People.” On Valentine’s Day he bought me one long stem bottle of Calamine Lotion. I scratched him off my list.

One nutty lover wanted me to call him Ida Lupino during coitus.

Ed Rex said he was close with his mother. He had a picture of her on the ceiling above his bed. The relationship didn’t last. Usually, neither did Ed.

One blind date drank his wine from a “sippy cup”. It was Rose’. I mean really! I can’t tolerate a man who can’t pick a side.

I mentioned in an ad that I liked tall men. One came to the door on stilts. I really liked him. I had to end the relationship because I kept getting splinters in my thighs.

Happily, destiny intervened during my last connection, though and in a most unusual manner.

Urging all seniors to practice safe sex I myself usually wear a seat belt. But this one time, I did not. At the height of passion I whispered to my partner, “Are you comfortable?” He answered in a suddenly strange accent, "I make a living.”

I laughed so hard…

I fell off the bed…

Injured my back…so now…

I am dating my Chiropractor who really is a nice guy but such a manipulator!

We Boomers, while we all may not have great circulation, we still manage to circulate. So my advice is this; if you are #single, gather at a #pharmacy and match your #prescriptions with someone to love in sickness, health or whatevah!


**AKA Jerk!

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