Sunday, October 21, 2012

SEX AND THE SINGLE SENIOR Where Boomers find Romance

Love is in the air. So tell me; have you been looking for #love in the wrong places?
Fear not. Help is on the way for I know the secret. For those not currently in a #Hugging relationship, allow me to provide facts as to where love connections connect. The most popular meeting ground: Moulton’s Pharmacy, CVS Pharmacy, RiteAid, Rite Price, Right On Babe, Walgreens and all pharmacies local and otherwise.
I overheard one man saying to a woman while gazing soulfully into her shopping cart: “Gas and Heartburn Pills? Gee Whiz, Me too!" Burping, they frolicked to the cashier.
Another: “Hey babe; wanna soak your dentures in my Schmuckers® Jelly Glass?"
Be cautious, though. There is danger lurking in these drug stores. I was almost run down in the parking lot when a throng of #stalkers on #walkers ran after a fellow with those little blue pills. Okay, I was running, too! Through our cataract eyes and gray hair, others remarked that we looked like dancing Q tips.
I actually prefer Internet Dating compared to my other pastime which was singing “Love for Sale,” at malls, with rouged cheeks and wearing my Anna Lucasta off-the-wrinkled shoulder gown. Since I became, um, a Senior Lady, now guys want me to pay them and give them an appliance as well.
Surfing the web is cheaper. I have met many interesting but sometimes unsuitable characters online.
My first responder was from “Schlemiels on Wheels*.” He arrived on skates. I had to grab on to the back of his jacket as we whizzed down the boulevard for the early bird special.
Of all the stupid expressions, why Early Bird? The Early Bird catches the Worm specifically. That would not motivate me to get any place early, particularly a place that serves food. But I digress.
My next computer catch was a #Dermatologist. He wrote that famous book, "7 Solutions for Highly Itchy People.” On Valentine’s Day he bought me one long stem bottle of Calamine Lotion. I scratched him off my list.
One nutty lover wanted me to call him Ida Lupino during coitus.
Ed Rex said he was close with his mother. He had a picture of her on the ceiling above his bed. The relationship didn’t last. Usually, neither did Ed.
One blind date drank his wine from a “sippy cup”.  It was Rose’. I mean really! I can’t tolerate a man who can’t pick a side.
I mentioned in an ad that I liked tall men. One came to the door on stilts. I really liked him. I had to end the relationship because I kept getting splinters in my thighs.
Happily, destiny intervened during my last connection, though and in a most unusual manner.
Urging all seniors to practice safe sex I myself usually wear a seat belt. But this one time, I did not. At the height of passion I whispered to my partner, “Are you comfortable?” He answered in a suddenly strange accent, "I make a living.”
I laughed so hard…
I fell off the bed…
Injured my back…so now…
I am dating my Chiropractor who really is a nice guy but such a manipulator!
We Boomers, while we all may not have great circulation, we still manage to circulate. So my advice is this; if you are #single, gather at a #pharmacy and match your #prescriptions with someone to love in sickness, health or whatevah!
**AKA Jerk!

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Monday, October 15, 2012

Yes, I Shot my Scale, But I Shot it in Self Defense, Sheriff.

It is that time of year when I say fat, fat go way; appear instead on Doris Day (nee Goldenburger). I do not want to sue for libel, but my lying scale which continually hides when it sees me- yes it has bullet holes but they were blanks- has conspired with my mirror to distort my adorable body and smooth skinned face.

Another year another ton more or less and I start my usual fitness starving activities. Last year I was encouraged while jogging. I thought I heard applause. It turned out to be my thighs hitting together. Neighbors paid me to scram because the plopping sound registered 9 on their Richter scale. It was just a few dollars plus the threat of bodily harm but it was the first time I turned flab into dollars. Now, when I am low on cash and living beyond my seams, I may run in more expensive neighborhoods.
Fitness experts advise us to set a goal in our mind. I visualize a couch or a hammock or anything I can fit my butt on. Past exercises consisted of jumping to conclusions and wrestling with my conscious. Still, I stayed the same weight
Here are diet tips that turned me into a tall thin blonde. Wait, that’s someone else. Oh, I really must go to Dr. Goldman at Laguna Eye Care!  
A) Eat as much spaghetti as you want within two minutes with 1 chopstick-standing on your head, of course.
B) Enjoy unlimited Double Fudge Chocolate Triple Decker Pecan Pie any week a politician or athlete does not cheat on his wife or mistresses.
CAUTION: Do not get too thin.
REMEMBER: Mirrors (who are in cahoots with scales) notoriously lie. You/we are beautiful and incredibly huggable.
MORE IMPORTANTLY: Consider our country; help improve the economy. Do not diet. If you do, you will put waiters, food suppliers, farmers and poor little chickens out of business. Eating is good. So, let’s meet at my favorite hangout. If only they hadn't named it the ELEPHANT Bar®.
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Wednesday, October 3, 2012


via Pinterest
While I was running today I heard someone clapping, it was just my thighs applauding. HEY, I WROTE THAT IN MY FIRST HUMOR BOOK, "Still Hanging in There:Confessions of a Totaled Woman." I'm gonna tell on you!...Jan Marshall
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